The importance of conversation

Robert LouisStevenson described marriage thus: 

Marriage is one long conversation, chequered by disputes. Two persons more and more adapt their notions to suit the other and in process of time, without sound of trumpet, they conduct each other into new worlds of thought.¹ 

Some years ago, when our children were young, we left them with their grandparents for three days so that we could spend some time on our own. We went to stay in a small hotel in the Highlands of Scotland and had been looking forward to having an extended opportunity to talk. We arrived at the hotel in the evening, unpacked and went down to the dining room. 

It was full of other couples, most of whom looked as though they had been married for twenty-five years or more. However, apart from the sound of knives and forks on plates, there was total silence. We were given a table in the middle of the room and sat as close to one another as possible, talking in whispers so as not to be overheard by everyone else. 

We are sure that, if those same couples had been out with friends or even if they had been at a party with complete strangers, they would not have sat in silence throughout the evening. They would have made an effort to initiate conversation. The tragedy for many husbands and wives is that they fail to recognise that their greatest effort should be made with each other. 

Of course, unless we plan time for each other, we usually meet at our worst moments: first thing in the morning when we are barely awake or last thing at night when we are exhausted. Social media and the TV take the place of talking. What conversation there is consists of little more than functional requests – ‘Would you pick up some milk on the way home?’ – or a simple exchange of facts – ‘The woman across the road has had her baby.’ 

Making an effort 

If, when we first went out with our partner, we had never bothered to talk to them, we would probably not be married now. Relationships grow when we make an effort. One woman, who was on the point of being drawn into an affair, told us why she was so attracted to another man: ‘He seemed to be interested in me – asking me questions and so on.’ 

Many couples spend their days in different ways. We were talking to a businessman from Australia. He has a frenetic job and spends most of his time on his mobile phone. The phone rings as he gets into his car in the morning and does not stop ringing all day until he turns it off in the driveway of his home when he returns. 

His wife, who used to have a similarly demanding working schedule, is now at home full-time looking after three children under the age of five. As she hears the door open she is desperate to talk to an adult and longs for stimulating conversation. All he wants is to unwind on his own. Both know they have to make a supreme effort to be sensitive to each other’s needs. 

Another couple we know has devised a strategy to deal with this situation. As soon as they leave work, they consider the time to belong to the other. So, during the journey home, they start thinking about how their partner has spent their day, thus preparing themselves for seeing each other again and for their evening together. Such mutual effort leads easily into conversation and can scarcely fail to draw a couple closer together and deepen their friendship. 

Other situations require a similar degree of effort: a doctor in a cancer ward married to someone in sales – each will have to try hard to understand the other’s pressures and to respect the other’s job. The husband or wife of a school teacher may need to be extremely patient in term time as a considerable part of each evening is spent preparing lessons and marking books, with less time for conversation and relaxation together. 
 
Increasing our topics of conversation 

A couple we know decided they would avoid talking about their work or their children on their date night. In order to have other topics of conversation, the wife says she always has a quick glance at the past week’s news. 

Another way to find more things to discuss is to increase our pool of joint interests. Shared experiences lead naturally to stimulating conversation. A friend of ours told us of the interests her parents have come to share over the last forty years: 

When Mum met Dad, she had never held a pair of binoculars to her eyes and her knowledge of birds did not extend past a sparrow. It is quite touching to see her incredible ornithological knowledge at the age of sixty-five. She got interested because she loved Dad and this was his passion. They have walked thousands of miles together in pursuit of birds over their forty-plus years of marriage. 

Dad is not remotely arty and an evening at a concert or the theatre would not have been his choice as a young man. This is Mum’s kind of thing. Over the years, he has chosen to go with her and tried his best to be interested. On occasions, he comes home having genuinely loved a piece of music or a play, but he sometimes falls asleep, often can’t remember either the title or anything that happened upon his return, and has mainly spent the evening working out the mechanics of the scenery. 

It will sometimes require a conscious decision to show an interest in what our partner already enjoys. This may mean doing again what we did together when we first met, or we may need to find a new activity that attracts both of us. The list of possibilities is endless and could include taking up a new sport, doing up the house, gardening, going for walks, listening to music, going to street markets or exploring a different part of the city, watching sport, going to concerts or festivals, the theatre or the cinema. 

We can then discuss our different reactions to what we’ve seen or heard or done, drawing out of the other their thoughts and feelings: what they liked or didn’t like, what they want to do next time and so on. 

¹ Cited in Libby Purves, Nature’s Masterpiece, p. 221.

Edited from The Marriage Book

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